An Apple for Yusuke
by Sagi-chan
Summary: Doctor Gary-Stu isn't exactly pleased when Yusuke visits him. Featuring Mary-Sue(s) and Gary-Stu. [stupidity] [ignorable hints of KuramaHiei] [one-shot]


**Disclaimer:** _I do not own _(insert fandom)  
**Kuroi-chan's disclaimer:** _The nickname 'Sagi-chan is copyrighted to Kuroi. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That, and she'll nag me into yelling at you._  
**Saaski-chan's disclaimer:** _The nickname Leeni-chan is copyrighted to Saaski. Use it and die.  
_  
  
**AN:** _Inspiration attacked me and I decided to spend all of ten minutes writing this. I just watched the second revival of Yusuke... and he has no heartbeat. Is anybody up for a doctor's visit? Well, too bad, because that's what this fic is going to be about. So... ha._

**Title:** An Apple for Yusuke  
**Summary:** The Doctors aren't pleased when Yusuke visits them. Featuring Mary-Sue(s) and Dr. Gary-Stu.  
**Genre:** humor/stupidity  
**Pairings:** maybe a slight hint of Kurama/Hiei  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
"Kurama! I told you! This isn't a good idea!"

"Non-sense, Yusuke." The red-haired fox told his close friend as he continued dragging him down the crowded streets of Tokyo. "It's required for everybody to visit the doctor at least once a year."

"Hiei, help me out here!"

"Che. Like I'd want to face the wrath of Kurama." Hiei scoffed, holding tight to his end of Yusuke. Really, why was he stuck with the feet? Yusuke never washed his feet!

"At least Hiei understands." Kurama beamed, keeping his own grip on Yusuke's wrists firm.

"I've never been to the doctor and I don't need to start now!"

"All the more reason to start now!" Kurama chirped, approaching the door of "Happy Families Medical Center".

"Hn." Hiei added, gratefully dropping Yusuke's feet in favor of signing them in. He smartly kept his own name off of the patients list; it wouldn't be worth killing humans who discovered his third eye.

Yusuke pouted, doing his best to look cute enough to get his way. Sadly, Kurama had no need for a lover at that point and ignored the looks of cuteness thrown his way.

"If you'll just wait for a bit until the doctor finishes up with his current patient, we'll have you in there in about five minutes," the nurse said, gazing dreamily at the three bishonen standing in her waiting room. "My name is Mary-Sue, by the way. (Oname wa, Mary-Sue-chan)" She added. "Perhaps you recognize me as the owner of all of your possessions, your number one (ichi-ban) stalker, _and_ the founder of your personal fan clubs. I know everything about you, which is what makes me the best of Creepy Personal Stalkers INC, CPS for short. I am also the founder of the Fangirlish Japanese language."

Yusuke stared at her blankly before slowly moving to sit down, Kurama and Hiei stationed on either side of him, so that he didn't have a chance of running away.

Two hours later, Yusuke was sleeping peacefully and Hiei had moved seats to sit on Kurama's lap, while the literate demon read him stories about pigs and wolves.

"But why doesn't the Big Bad Wolf just open the door of the houses and eat the pigs that way?" Hiei grumbled. "If a pig can build a house without purchase of property, surely a wolf can break-and-enter without getting arrested."

Kurama chuckled. Hiei was so cute.

"The doctor will see you now, the new receptionist (also named Mary-Sue) told them, opening the door to the examination rooms.

It was quite fortunate that Yusuke was sleeping at that point because he would surely be kicking and screaming all the way down the relatively short hallway. Kurama laid him down on the examination bed, before sitting down in the available chair. Hiei rested himself on Kurama's lap again, and shoved another book into his hands.

Kurama began reading about a small girl who liked to break-and-enter into bears houses... which Hiei seemed to enjoy much more than illogical pigs and wolves.

The door burst open with a bang, causing Hiei to clutch to Kurama tightly in shock that a human could so easily sneak-up on him.

"My name is Doctor Gary-Stu!" The man in a white coat announced, beaming at them. "I have a deep and loving relationship with my wife Keiko, my fiancé Shizuru, my girlfriend Yukina, and my distant cousin Botan. Being Botan's cousin gives me inside knowledge of the Spirit World, however such things like that still managed to surprise me and catch me off guard."

Dr. Gary-Stu beamed at the group of demons.

"And so Goldilocks said: "_Oh, this porridge is juuuuust right!"._" Kurama read to Hiei before turning the page.

"Wait, go back. I wasn't done looking at that picture yet."

Yusuke snored and rolled over.

Dr. Gary-Stu didn't seem daunted by this, however, and stalked over to Yusuke and began poking and prodding him. This caused the newly turned Toushin to sit up straight with a pain-filled cry and a loaded Rei-gan.

"Ha-ha!" Dr. Gary-Stu laughed, patting Yusuke on his shoulder while expertly stripping him down. "This won't take more that eight hours! Don't you worry!"

Dr. Gary-Stu then hurried over to the small freezer resting in the corner and pulled out his nicely chilled stethoscope. He placed the nearly frozen metal on Yusuke's skin while telling the boy to breath deep. Yusuke screamed and bolted for the door.

Luckily, Hiei was faster and was able to forcibly manhandle Yusuke back to the exanimation bed. He then returned to Kurama's lap, just in time to see the bears return from their walk and do their best to kill the annoying blond human girl that reminded him of the receptionist standing just outside the door, listening carefully.

"OH MY GOD!" Dr. Gary-Stu bellowed after two minutes of searching for the tell-tale thump-thump of Yusuke's heart. "YOU'RE DEAD!"

Yusuke blinked. "No. Actually I'm pretty sure that I'm alive."

"My poor misled boy! You have no heartbeat so you must be dead! And this is regardless of the fact that I already know demons like yourself don't have heartbeats!"

_"And Goldilocks was then sued for trespassing. The end."_ Kurama finished in a gentle voice.

"So... what exactly are you trying to say here?" Yusuke asked, standing up and glaring at Dr. Gary-Stu.

"Well, naturally the only way to bring you back to life is to have sex with you."

"Kurama... read me the one about the two kids that get eaten."

_"I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH AN IMBASIL LIKE YOURSELF!"_

Kurama dug through the pile of Fairy-tales and Nursery Rhymes that he had before pulling out the fabulous tale of Hansel and Gretel. _"Once upon a time…"_ he began in his soft story-telling voice.

"But, you have no heartbeat!"

"That's because I'm a demon!"

"A demon? OH MY GOD! YOU'RE A DEMON! AHHHHHHH!"

And Dr. Gary-Stu, regardless of having inside information on the Spirit World, the Demon World died of shock and fear, leaving Yusuke, Kurama and Hiei to continue with their rather pointless days – even more pointless because of the sudden and abrupt ending of the fic.

And the author then smacked herself a couple times for being stupid before wandering off to not do homework in favor of going to bed.  
  
  
Oyasumi.  
  
  
  
  
  
Oh, and review. Damnit.


End file.
